Everything is Fine 

Everything is Fine

I want to have sex until I'm numb. Until I cannot feel my insides anymore. Maybe then, I can be numb all over.

I thought I'd be happy. I thought I'd feel loved. Now everyone just thinks I'm crazy. I'm just bipolar...it's their expectations that make me insane.

Ashley is gone. She tried to kill herself...again. She was almost successful...again. I'm glad someone saved her, I guess. It just hurts to know that she hurts that much. But in a way...don't we all?

I'd kill myself too, if I knew I wouldn't be letting anyone down. But I'm too busy right now. My life should be wonderful. I have the lead part in the play...friends....I'm an officer for random clubs...top 5% of my class...I have scholarship inteviews, I'm passing all of my classes wonderfully.

But I don't want that. I want something that keeps being taken away from me. I want human affection and deep, embedded human love.

I love my mother, but she always left me when I was little. I remember clinging to her legs, going into a state of hyperventilation, but she would never stay. She liked to gamble. They left me at home alone when I was four...six. Everyone I have ever loved has left me much the same way.

They just walk away. They never want to talk about it. They never want to discuss or feel or let me in on what they're doing. They're just gone one day.

Like Chris. Nathan. All of my friends...they fade in and out. Bryan. Him mostly.

I think I have deep-seeded neglect issues, and being overwhelmed in my life right now is what has triggered my recent "episodes". I'm working through it, though. As long as nothing goes too wrong, I think I can regain my sanity. I've resolved to be okay. And I will.

Enough, it's time to go watch Angelina Jolie and join the rest of my fine folk.

Bon soiree, mes amis.