Cynical as Usual
Veronica is broken again. I wonder how long this will keep up. I feel so dead inside, like there isn't anything left of me. I know I have emotions, because I cry all the time, but I can only feel the tears stinging my face...my inner workings are numb, and don't know where the tears come from.
He was so beautiful. Another beautiful one. But the one who made me feel beautiful, for once. I can't take this headache from this crying, or lack thereof. Dry tears, hidden tears, are just as bad as wet ones. He had to leave. Of course he did. This is pain is worse, though, because I knew this would happen...and I let myself get attached anyway. I understand completely why this is happening, and I know there is nothing to do to stop it, and that it probably actually is the best thing. Knowing this just makes it that much worse...that much more painful.
I'm so selfish, though. I want to keep him....I'm just so sick of being lonely and exhausted. I'm sick of headaches and sleeping alone at night. I'm sick of being broken and dead on the inside. God dammit, why won't this just end? Can I just not be happy?! I think I'm finally incapable of becoming attached anymore. I'm too fucking gone and empty. I'm just a drunk now. I wake up drunk, attend class drunk, go home drunk, sleep drunk. It's much better this way. Tequila Sunrise for breakfast, Brandy for lunch, a few snacks of screw drivers, and merlot for dinner. Yay. Isn't life just so god damned grand?
I just want to disappear into a lost world, somewhere in the backwoods of Norway, where only winter birds and deer live. I want to be alone for the rest of my life, and never see anyone again. Ever. I just wish people would go away. I want Nevil Shute's world to come to life.
But I've learnt my lesson...again...and again...and again. I can have no care for people, it is entirely useless to become attached, and there is no reason or grounds to trust anyone.Above all, though, NEVER find yourself in love. That is the worst of everything. No matter the intentions of people, they will always hurt you. It never fails. I've tried for so long to be optimistic. I've kept trying. I thought there might be hope somewhere. And god dammit, I thought I had something there. But who were we to think it could actually last? What the fuck was I thinking to think it could exist? It was juvenile stupidity really.
I have given up. What is life anyway? Is it really that much different than death? No, I'm not suicidal, but when there is nothing to live for, neither one matter. If you were to kill me, I'd be just as happy as if I were alive and drunk. No difference. Yay, I can go to school, get degrees, get a job, and die. Fuck the family part, that would involve too many people...and that dastardly love shit. What is there to live for? It's all routine, standard, and lifeless. I want to be nowhere. I want to have never existed. I don't even want another relationship. I don't want another person. I don't want anything but to not be here, in this world, with these fucking people that I can only hate. Yes I'm bitter, and yes I'm cynical, but it's all these god damned bastards that have made me this way. I tried so hard not to be, I did. But now I'm emotionally dead, gone, ash, and it doesn't matter. Nothing in this matters. I'm just a silly, selfish girl who still believed in something. Fuck that.
Even if I cannot rid myself of the love that I have, I can prevent it from happening again. I can hide it, conceal it, paint my heart grey. It doesn' t have to surface again. I can be a hummingbird, lying dead in a cage coffin. I knew it would come down to this. Everything is over. There really is nothing left, and I surrender. Take me, and if you don't, at least let me live in my drunken stupor of denial.
Goo Goo Dolls, Hate This Place:
Gone away
Who knows where you been
You take all your lies
And wish them all away
I somehow doubt
We'll ever be the same
There's too much poison
And confusion on your face
Can you feel it
I didn't mean it
Can I see you
What are we doin'
I think I love you
but I ain't sayin' nothin' you don't know
Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade
Take your time
Move yourself to me
Yeah I can take your lies
Until you fall away
You know I'm lost
Hiding in your bed
No I don't think it's wrong
It's just gone to my head
Can you feel it
I didn't mean it
Can I see you
What are we doin'
I think I love you
but I ain't sayin' nothin' you don't know
Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade
Hey whatchya do to me
Would you come back to me
Yeah I can't do another day
I'm not certain of it anyway
I ain't messin' with another life
Can I get along without you
Tell me lies
That you know I need
Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade
Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade
Hold on dreamaway
Hold on dreamaway
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